Paddling in Sync: What Canoeing Can Teach Us About Marriage

Mastering the Marital J-Stroke

A note from the Mrs.

I once watched two people get into a canoe. They sat facing each other and, as you can imagine, the process of paddling the boat was difficult. From the shore, it looked downright comedic, but they were on a river, and instead of making progress, they were drifting away quickly. Despite many attempts to sort themselves out, they eventually needed to be rescued. 

I don’t know if you’ve ever been in a canoe but I grew up going to summer camp and spent lots of time paddling on lakes and rivers. 

Canoes are pretty simple. In most cases, there are two people. One in the front (bow) and one in the back (stern). They both face the same direction and both paddle. 

This is not unlike a marriage

In a canoe, each person has a responsibility. The person in the stern steers the boat and both move the boat forward. The person in the front paddles with strength and consistency.

There is a shared mission and purpose. They are headed in the same direction.

For the purposes of this discussion let’s imagine the stern as the husband and the bow as the wife. 

Sterning a canoe is a bit of an art. It can be done poorly by dragging your paddle in the water behind the canoe like a tiller (often slowing the boat) or by constantly switching sides to counteract bad strokes. 

 An experienced canoer uses a stroke called a j-stroke. This stroke propels the boat forward and steers at the same time. When executed well it is both subtle and powerful. The sternman can seamlessly direct the boat without any indication that he is setting direction and, when mastered comes so naturally that the motion almost becomes subconscious. The boat seems to simply glide forward in a straight line.  

If you’ve ever spent time in a canoe you know this takes great effort at first. The untrained can easily spin their boat around or end up off course. The j-troke must first be learned. If you grew up around canoes (or a strong marriage), you have an excellent example of how things are done but you may still need to ask questions as you take on your own responsibilities. Things will go poorly at first but with practice and a few missteps, you can learn to be effective without rocking the boat too badly. 

Men can begin their journey of headship clumsily. They can be headstrong and overly overbearing or assertive. Conversely, they may be timid and unsure with indecisiveness preventing tone setting. Neither of these is good, but with practice, mentors, and Christian community, these missteps can be avoided or corrected.

The bow also has responsibilities. She should not lily dip (a term used for moving your paddle but not pulling weight). She is part of the team and must use her strength to powerfully pull with each stroke. A strong stern needs a strong bow. This can be exhausting and feel like a grind but powerful forward motion takes gumption and consistency. 

Another responsibility of the bow is to avoid obstacles. She can alert the stern but may also need to act quickly to adjust things on the fly. She is not complacent but fast to action amidst shallow waters, hidden rocks or rapids. 

Women, too, are prone to mishaps in marriage. Steering from the front is a disaster and nagging or complaining also don’t help. Here too, having good models (in life and through books or podcasts), friends who give genuine and honest feedback, and a good Christian community can help redirect a marriage that has begun off course.

Canoeing (and marriage) is best learned on calm flat water but is also a skill utilized in waves or even rapids. Honing your skills in times of ease will help sharpen them and build muscles for times when challenges arise that are either unexpected or are a part of a planned journey. Marriage rhythms, too, are more easily laid out before the addition of children and, ideally, before a crisis arrives. 

Canoeing can be lots of fun or it can be an exhausting series of spins and mishaps. Marriage also can be a joy or deeply frustrating. Learning your roles, skills, and techniques needs to be intentional and ideally done within a fellowship of like-minded believers. A marital J-stroke is not always simple or without challenge but its subtly and effectiveness are unmatched. 

For more information on the J-stroke see this.