On Headship and Roadtrips
On Headship and Roadtrips
Complementarianism Applied, Part 1.
A note from the Mrs.
As complimentarians who attend a complementarian church I get asked occasionally what this theology looks like applied in my marriage. I’m often able to paint in broad strokes how some of our dynamics play out but often have trouble coming up with specific examples of what these things look like for us day to day.
But I’ve got a good one.
We began this summer with a week-long road trip south of the border. Usually, I’m very much a part of the planning. This year, however, I was feeling pretty burnt out from work and openly acknowledged my lack of mental capacity to think of the trip and my real decision fatigue when it came to making plans. Usually, when we plan, we sit down together and spend a few evenings working through what we both want to do and how we will make it work.
This year things were different.
The trip went like this …
He would tell me the plan. We would work to execute it.
There are two types of people in the world the “yes, and” people and the “No, but” people. Sadly, I tend towards the latter. My brilliant attitude of editing and objecting very quickly got me a firmly worded conversation on ‘being difficult’ in the chips aisle of Whole Foods while our children waited patiently over by the cereal.
I can think of no clear-cut examples in my marriage when I’ve been asked to directly submit to my husband but I do often have to check my attitude. I’m trying to look at myself in these three categories …
Tone: Are you being a help or a hindrance? Often, my ‘input’ can be helpful, but it can also look like backseat driving or straight-up nagging. Neither of these is useful or Biblical and does not create a solid tone that could be seen as letting him lead.
Timing: Does this really matter? Again, the input I’m giving is often on stupid things that don’t really matter. I may think I know a more efficient or better way of doing things but it rarely actually matters. No one wants constant notes and the more notes I give, the less meaningful they are. Honestly, why would he listen to me if I’m constantly dipping my oar in on stupid things?
Attitude: Are you an asset or a liability? Is having me along a good thing, or am I just making things miserable? Am I rolling my eyes and sighing deeply (literally, or even in my heart) What is my posture towards this adventure?
In the case of the road trip, I wasn’t at my best. I had to check my thoughts of “This isn’t how I would do this.” or “This isn’t very efficient,” etc, and realize that my attitude was terrible. It was as if he was driving a car and I was constantly trying to grab the wheel or throw on the parking brake. This is not biblical complementarianism applied.
Thankfully I was able to adjust and ‘stop being difficult’ and our trip recovered nicely. I was able to change my tone, consider my timing and have a better attitude. I think there may be moments of particular submission in my marriage, but I think more routinely, complementarianism speaks to tone, posture or flavour. It questions my attitude and my motives and has me lay aside my own hesitations or willfulness for the sake of the greater good. Be it a particular adventure like a road trip or the greater adventure of our marriage together, these little moments often matter more than any great showdown where headship gets ‘called’ like some sort of magic trump card.
I’m still working at this and, by God’s grace, will continue to grow in it – Lord willing, we’ve got a few more years to get this right.